Sometimes I am a COMPLETE air head. There’s just no way around it. I don’t even want to give any examples, it can be so bad. (Confession one (B)… I think it’s kinda funny.)
Confession number two…
I am an excellent, faithful, hardcore, all-go-no-quit Procrastinator.
My dad always says that your strengths are also your weaknesses. And these two confessions prove it in my case.
My strength on the flip-side…
I think carefully. All. The. Time. I get internally focused on something and then struggle to pay attention to the world around me. Along those lines is that I focus on one thing at a time, so if you’re aren’t the one thing… yeah, you get procrastinated. (I’m not sure how I’ve learned to multi-task, but I can kinda to that.)
Since I’m confessing things here, I guess I should also say that I don’t like Barry Manilow or Rod Stewart. Or the BeeGees, especially not the guy with the freaky falsetto. Is he dead?
… but never been able to say it with her eloquence. Check it out. Dis be my Brrchellee…
This week I observed a counseling session, I wanted to take a photo. Out of respect for the client and the ethics of my discipline, I cannot and will not share any details of the session- suffice it to say that the client was sharing some weighty issues that were going on in her life. Near the end of the session, as I was looking at the client, I noticed something…She was wearing a chain and cross around her neck and it was lying in the middle of an American flag on her shirt. I wanted to take a photo, it was so profound to me. It made me grieve a bit for her. Few people anticipate the tragedies and losses they experience in life. Although we often feel protected by our spirituality or our privilege, it is a false sense of here-and-now protection! The fact is her faith in Jesus and the promise of an American dream did not protect her from the harshness of life. We all experience the brokenness of our lives – our world really.
My first appointment is tomorrow morning. Feeling good these days, but have always said that I should get counseling if I’m going to do counseling. And this is a good time.
Now I’ll know what it’s like on the “other side of the desk”, so to speak.
Okay, so I have not and will not be buying ANY ice cream for in my apartment. Since the ice cream phase was on its way out anyway (>>see here<<), I decided that I could go ahead a put an end to it. So, my relationship with ice cream is now “just friends.” No ice cream in my apartment. If I want it, I’ll go to Cold Stone and get it.
I’ve decided that it’s time to confront some of the aimlessness in my life. Since coming to Virginia I’ve been… what’s the word… apathetic. Fortunately, not depressed – I’m not sure how much I have St. John’s Wort to thank for that – but there’s been far more apathy than lends itself to any credible measure of happiness/joy/peace/contentedness/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. This is reason number one why I haven’t been blogging the last several weeks. I’ve had nothing to say that I care to immortalize in cyber-history. One friend got an ear-full. Woe is him for asking, but it was at least valuable for me to get it out.
So… about the apathy…
This is the first time in my life that I haven’t had a pending graduation. I didn’t think it’d be a big deal, but I think it actually has turned out to be such. Moving, new job, new town… all that stuff has been a breeze, a total non-issue. I show myself to be very adaptable.
And the issue doesn’t seem to be that I’m not in school. I don’t really think about it. The issue is that as far as I can tell right now… I’m here indefinitely. And that is strange stuff. No graduation to anticipate. In fact, nothing major to anticipate at all. Holy freakin’ cow. My life is over. I jest, of course, but that’s kinda how it feels. Like what am I living for now? I’m totally set… good job, nice apartment, lovely city, family close by. Sounds perfect. It is perfect, essentially.
I come back to the thing I said the other day though, happiness is in your head. Circumstances don’t necessarily make a person happy. If I don’t find a reason and a way to be happy, then it probably won’t happen. It’s up to me. That’s why I ask, “How do people do this?” How do people live without a change to look forward to?
People all do different things. Some people get in a rut. Some people find little things to enjoy and find satisfaction in that. Some people make changes.
I’d like to enjoy the little things in life, the “pleasurable goodies.” (By the way, the ice cream phase at long last, is over; more on that later though.) I don’t think I’ll get in a rut, at least not for too long. And as far as changes I want to make, I don’t know. I do think I know now I am different in a specific way, than I always thought I was.
I always thought that I would be like my mom and dad. I’d get a good job that I’m passionate about and chose to have that be a main avenue of growth, staying there until I retired. That will not be the case though, for me. I have a great job that I will eventually really like, and counseling may very well be something I do professionally until I retire. But I don’t see myself staying put as much as my parents have or as much as I used to think I would.
So now the key is to figure out how to make purpose and happiness in my daily life, seeing as there are no imminent major changes. One thing that has to happen is that I need to talk to my people more. A quality conversation at least once a day, most days. Since I don’t have close friends here that will mean utilizing my phone more and making some new acquaintances (I don’t expect to replace or even come close to the quality of relationship I have with people like Best Friend R; that doesn’t mean, however, that there can’t be other people to spend time with). I already know this will be a challenge. I’ll try though.
It also means finding a few more ways to fill my free time. Since I’m toning down the running, that doesn’t take up so much time. And I don’t plan on working more than 40-ish hours. So what else will I do. Well, I might kinda be getting into a thing of painting my fingernails. I found this awesome kind the other day (it lasted through my washing the dishes!), so I kinda what to go get another color. That won’t take up much time, but it’s kinda fun. I’ll also keep my apartment clean. It’s basically spotless all the time, because I have no life, so I clean. Oh, I’ll also read the book we’re studying in Sunday School, which I’m actually enjoying (both the book and Sunday School, and church (fancy that!)). Um… what else can I do? I don’t know, but I’ll find things.
Fingernails, blogging, quality conversation, running, cleaning… hmm… Oh, I can also do lots of reading for my job. That’s enjoyable, because it’s my favorite subject – human behavior. I don’t know what else I’ll do, but I’d like to be done with the apathy.
Yay.
*And I can’t believe what a Celine Dion dork I am, but I’ve been listening to the following song while writing this post. Sadly, it may be a little bit of the reason I’m kinda hyper right now…
Sojourn in every place as if you meant to spend your life there, never omitting an opportunity of doing a kindness, speaking a true word, or making a friend. ~John Ruskin
I jest, of course, but that’s kinda how it feels. Like what am I living for now? I’m totally set… good job, nice apartment, lovely city, family close by. Sounds perfect. It is perfect, essentially.
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