I just spent an hour talking to our computer guy. Mostly not about computers either. Everything from travel, to life decisions, to music, to money, to moving, to personalities, to psychology, to marriage, to pre-marital counseling. And I feel so much better than before. Right before hand I was having anxiety. Well-founded anxiety, but I’m feeling therapized now, even though I didn’t explicitly mention my concerns. Somehow though, we covered almost every topic that was weighing on my mind… money, moving, life decisions, and marriage.
He said in regard to money that there have been so many things in life from which he’s been held back because of money. And I thought, “I do not want to be like that.” Not that I’m going to be spending extravegently, but I just think that worrying about money could stop me from living the life I want. Gotta be careful about money and always work hard though.
In regard to marriage, he admitted that it’s hard! REALLY hard. Alleluia! I get so frustrated with people always encouraging me in the direction of marriage, as if it makes everything in life somehow better. Bologna!
So, I have some “issues” here. A fear, actually. Suddenly when you’re married you can’t just keep all your crap to yourself. Let me rephrase… Suddenly when I’m marriaged I won’t be able to just keep all my crap to myself. And suddenly my being unhappy negatively affects someone else. Yikes! It’s so much easier to keep to myself. It’s how I abide to the “due no harm” rule of social work. Even if I’m unhappy, at least I’m not making other people unhappy. But then I won’t be able to. Yikes! (Did I already say that?)
Now, I’m forgetting why I was feeling better. Well, one thing is that he emphasized the importance of personalities in marriage and encouraged me to keep that in mind (like finding a good match). Keep it in mind? Does it ever LEAVE my mind? haha. Personalities are like an obsession of mine, my way of understanding people and interpreting/anticipating conflict.
I guess I was feeling better because he was saying that marriage takes continual hard work and you always have to be working on yourself. Whew! This I can handle. In fact, that sounds far, far less scary than some other images that I’ve conjured up in my mind. That’s actually relieving.
He also said another thing that I really, really liked. It was about premarital counseling. He said that it should really happen BEFORE you get engaged, when you’re deciding if you want to get married in the first place. Sure, somethings should wait until after engagement, but doesn’t it make sense to have someone help you “process” before making that decision? I think it does. That’s when I would need help. Not after I jumped off the cliff. Which hopefully doesn’t turn out to be as much of a cliff as I think it will.
I’d rather be pleasantly surprised with life after marriage than tragically disappointed, like I was with life after YWAM. I thought everything would be perfect since I had found this deep, meaningful relationship with God. (See where I have some connotations with marriage?) But it did not make everything better. It did not make ANYTHING better.
Yup. This girl’s scared. I don’t want to go through anything remotely post-YWAM again. Ever.
Time for some self-talk…
It’s okay. You’re okay, honey. It’ll all be okay. You are a stronger, wiser, more loving person now than you were then. You are more prepared if that did happen again. And you would make it through. Just like you did last time. Not that it would be easy, but you could do it. Just don’t hole up this time. Ask for help. Be vulnerable. Accept help. And you could make it through, becoming even stronger than before. The more pain you go through, the more you can help other people with their pain. This is a good thing. And don’t forget… you are okay. It’s all okay.
One day at a time, missy.