If you want to feel my mood, take a deep sigh before reading this…
I have three more weeks with Pickle Man. I’ve been enjoying my time with him so much and I can’t think of many other times in my life where I have experienced such contentment. It’s hard to characterize or define or even recap a whole relationship, there are such intricacies and complexities, so that’s the best way I can attempt it for me… in the word “contentment.” Not that I don’t have worries and concerns about it or that it’s all perfect. It is not, of course. However, amid all that… or perhaps surpassing all that… I have such contentment.
For awhile now I been wanting to write a blog post titled “A Reflection on Hand-Holding.” I was basically going to say that I just love holding his hand. It’s not fireworks, or butterflies, or some kind of lofty elation. It’s just contentment. It’s like a warm, dry place amidst a storm. It’s like a cracking fireplace during a blizzard. It’s like standing in front of a big crowd, giving a speech, but having one person sitting in the front row, encouraging you and cheering you on. It’s like coming home after a long time away.
That’s exactly how I feel about holding his hand, but it’s also a good metaphor for our whole relationship. We started communicating half way through my Master’s program and the two halves for me are markedly different. The first half I felt F.I.N.E. (feelings inside not expressed) and the second half I felt an earlier version of the contentedness (and the bliss that I’ve also talked about before, which is an indescribable relief from “F.I.N.E.”) I still feel.
I don’t know what’s going to happen between us after he leaves, in three weeks, to go back to the other side of the world. Our future is a big question mark. I worry about it a little bit, because thinking about life without him is so sad it makes me cry. But that’s not the point of this post.
I really just wanted to say that I’m happy. So very, very happy.
I think everything will turn out for the best in the end.