“O, Come All Ye Faithful” sung by Celine Dion
“O, Come All Ye Faithful” sung by Celine Dion
I’ve decided that it’s time to confront some of the aimlessness in my life. Since coming to Virginia I’ve been… what’s the word… apathetic. Fortunately, not depressed – I’m not sure how much I have St. John’s Wort to thank for that – but there’s been far more apathy than lends itself to any credible measure of happiness/joy/peace/contentedness/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. This is reason number one why I haven’t been blogging the last several weeks. I’ve had nothing to say that I care to immortalize in cyber-history. One friend got an ear-full. Woe is him for asking, but it was at least valuable for me to get it out.
So… about the apathy…
This is the first time in my life that I haven’t had a pending graduation. I didn’t think it’d be a big deal, but I think it actually has turned out to be such. Moving, new job, new town… all that stuff has been a breeze, a total non-issue. I show myself to be very adaptable.
And the issue doesn’t seem to be that I’m not in school. I don’t really think about it. The issue is that as far as I can tell right now… I’m here indefinitely. And that is strange stuff. No graduation to anticipate. In fact, nothing major to anticipate at all. Holy freakin’ cow. My life is over. I jest, of course, but that’s kinda how it feels. Like what am I living for now? I’m totally set… good job, nice apartment, lovely city, family close by. Sounds perfect. It is perfect, essentially.
I come back to the thing I said the other day though, happiness is in your head. Circumstances don’t necessarily make a person happy. If I don’t find a reason and a way to be happy, then it probably won’t happen. It’s up to me. That’s why I ask, “How do people do this?” How do people live without a change to look forward to?
People all do different things. Some people get in a rut. Some people find little things to enjoy and find satisfaction in that. Some people make changes.
I’d like to enjoy the little things in life, the “pleasurable goodies.” (By the way, the ice cream phase at long last, is over; more on that later though.) I don’t think I’ll get in a rut, at least not for too long. And as far as changes I want to make, I don’t know. I do think I know now I am different in a specific way, than I always thought I was.
I always thought that I would be like my mom and dad. I’d get a good job that I’m passionate about and chose to have that be a main avenue of growth, staying there until I retired. That will not be the case though, for me. I have a great job that I will eventually really like, and counseling may very well be something I do professionally until I retire. But I don’t see myself staying put as much as my parents have or as much as I used to think I would.
So now the key is to figure out how to make purpose and happiness in my daily life, seeing as there are no imminent major changes. One thing that has to happen is that I need to talk to my people more. A quality conversation at least once a day, most days. Since I don’t have close friends here that will mean utilizing my phone more and making some new acquaintances (I don’t expect to replace or even come close to the quality of relationship I have with people like Best Friend R; that doesn’t mean, however, that there can’t be other people to spend time with). I already know this will be a challenge. I’ll try though.
It also means finding a few more ways to fill my free time. Since I’m toning down the running, that doesn’t take up so much time. And I don’t plan on working more than 40-ish hours. So what else will I do. Well, I might kinda be getting into a thing of painting my fingernails. I found this awesome kind the other day (it lasted through my washing the dishes!), so I kinda what to go get another color. That won’t take up much time, but it’s kinda fun. I’ll also keep my apartment clean. It’s basically spotless all the time, because I have no life, so I clean. Oh, I’ll also read the book we’re studying in Sunday School, which I’m actually enjoying (both the book and Sunday School, and church (fancy that!)). Um… what else can I do? I don’t know, but I’ll find things.
Fingernails, blogging, quality conversation, running, cleaning… hmm… Oh, I can also do lots of reading for my job. That’s enjoyable, because it’s my favorite subject – human behavior. I don’t know what else I’ll do, but I’d like to be done with the apathy.
*And I can’t believe what a Celine Dion dork I am, but I’ve been listening to the following song while writing this post. Sadly, it may be a little bit of the reason I’m kinda hyper right now…
*I am ONE HIT away from 20,000 right now!