Hello?? Are you there?? [echoes]
Well, I may be the only one listening, but I’m going to talk anyway. If you decide to show up or whatever, well… whatever.
I was listening to The Fray on the radio the other day, their new song “You Found Me.” There’s a line in there that says, “Where were you when everything was falling apart?” When I heard that line, I wondered, “Yeah, where WERE you?”
I wanted you so badly. I was giving up my life for you. Giving up my dreams, my family, my home. I was ready to go wherever you wanted.
God, I PINED for you. Loved you with desperation and hope. Unwaveringly.
I needed you. You had my bleeding heart at your feet. All I wanted was you. And more of you. All you. Only you. More you. I loved you.
Didn’t you understand?
Then it all started falling apart. And where were you when everything was falling apart? Where WERE you!
It just fell and fell and fell, and I couldn’t pick up the pieces. They just all fell apart. It was my first death. The death of all I held dear. I think that’s about when I stopped crying. Sometimes everything just dries up. When you’re reason for LIVING is obliterated, eventually there’s no reason to cry either. No reason to feel anything. You just walk on mindlessly. Hopelessly.
I’m pretty calm now, God. The falling apart has ceased. I still don’t feel anything as deeply as I did, but it’s okay. I feel other things now. I feel happiness. I feel angry at injustice. At pain. I feel gratitude. Love illudes me though. At least “love” as I felt it for you. In fact, I catch myself sometimes thinking, “I don’t believe in love.” And on one level, I don’t. That’s because part of me still connotates “love” with feeling. You’re supposed to feel love. But I don’t think I do. I say “love.” I do “love.” I think “love.” But do I feel it? I don’t know.
It’s seems to me a bit like a room in my head. A room that I’ve closed off and though every other door is wide open with the sun shining in, that room is locked. I walk by it every once in awhile and feeling a little empty inside, but I just ignore it and move on.
I’m still calm though. I’ve long since given up the freaking out. I see now that there was nothing to freak out about in the first place. You never left. I THOUGHT you did. But you didn’t. In fact, it was all in my head. In the beginning, I THOUGHT I was so close to you. Then I THOUGHT I was so far from you. Then I THOUGHT you weren’t there at all. Now I don’t know about you, God.
I just don’t know. Maybe you’re there.
I’ll never really know. And I think that’s okay. It may not be okay to some people, but it’s okay with me. See… I’ve settled on two things. First, it makes as much sense to me why people don’t believe in you, as why people do. Neither group of people deserves to be hated for whatever they’ve chosen to believe, it makes sense to them and helps them in whatever way they want to be helped. No one really knows anyway.
Second, either way, whether you’re “true” or not, I do like the IDEA of you. If I’m being completely honest, just the idea of you is enough to make me reacquaint myself with tears.
The idea is unique to me, as everyone’s idea of you is unique to them. To me, it’s the idea that I am known as intimately as I am loved. Watched over. Being guided. Being given wisdom and strength. Being given love for people. And being empowered and emboldened to LIVE OUT that love.
I like that idea.
And maybe that’s all you are… an idea.
I was trying to figure out the other day why I like the movie Gladiator so much. It’s my all-time favorite movie. Number one on any list I make. When I tell some people that they say, “That’s a guy movie.” I think that’s a bunch of bull-hunky, cause I like it and I’m not a guy. There’s something in it that I REALLY like.
I finally figured out what it is…
It’s the concept that believing in something good, even if it turns out to not be “true” (like the might of the Roman Empire from that movie) but if for no other reason than that it inspires you…
is worth it.
Maybe you’ll die in the end. And maybe the Empire you believed in will collapse. And maybe it never really existed in the first place like you thought it did.
But the fact that you believed and you let it inspire you, made it worth the while. Made it MORE than worth the while. It changed the color of your world, because whatever you believe IS your world.
That’s what I thought… no answer.
I guess what I’m saying is that if I believe in you, then you exist. In my world. And that makes sense because as close as I thought you were in the beginning… you were. And as far as I thought you were later on… you were. Because it’s what I believed.
That must mean that I am as close to you as I believe myself to be. And God… God?… I believe you are very close. I believe you are very far away. And I believe you are everywhere in between. I believe you know what’s going on. I believe you know what’s going to happen. I believe you love all people. And I believe you want me to love all people. I believe you made me strong and intelligent. I believe the Jesus is a character worth immitating. I find him intriguing, like I haven’t found him for a very long time. I believe you see me. Really SEE me.
And God… I believe I like the idea of you. Perhaps that’s all you are. I don’t know.
But either way…
I believe it’s an idea worth believing in. Or it can be. I’m sorry about all those Christians who have and spout an unhealthy and hurtful idea of you. I’m sorry they’ve forgotten about the rest of the world except in terms of evangelism. I’m sorry that I don’t like them sometimes. I’m working on it. Sometimes.
Meanwhile, I’m still here. And I BELIEVE you’re still here, as close as you’ve always been… so you are.
I think I just have one thing left to say. It’s kind of hard to say. I told you about that door, right? Yeah, I like leaving it closed. But maybe today I’ll crack it, because love is worth believing in to.
I think I love you.
The link… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCw9zo0CAZU&feature=related