What Would You Do?

What would you do if you were a girl and you – out-of-the-blue – met a boy who…

~  was kind

~ was attentive to you

~  was calm

~ was mature

~ was funny

~ was ridiculously intelligent

~ was genuinely humble

~ gave good hugs

~ asked you questions

~ was good-looking

~ was athletic

~ was responsible

~ was adventurous and spontaneous

~ enjoyed life

~ didn’t complain

~ had a secure attachment style

~ who treated all people well/with respect

~ who was self-aware, but not self-absorbed

~ who liked spending time with you

What would you do?  Would you spend time with such a one?

… yeah, me too.  :)

Boys

“My colleague told me:  ‘It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out.  When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple.  Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.’”

~excerpt from Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture

Right On, Jason

“Dating is just awkward moments and one person wants more than the other.

It’s just that constant strangeness. “

– Jason Schwartzman

Reasons To Date Me

As suggested by my oldest and dearest friend (the lovely and wonderful R), this is my serious list (as opposed to this list) of reasons to date me.

This is kinda hard, I have to admit.  I wanted to title this post “Reasons to Be My Friend,” because it didn’t seem so presumptuous.  I thought about that though and wondered if I wanted to do that because I don’t feel like there are reasons that make me worthy to be dated.  It’s like I didn’t even want to go there.

So, I’m intentionally making this list reasons to *date* me.  No easy task (making this list, I mean – haha), but I could use some self-validation in this area, I think.  Rather than being a coward and never facing those fears that I’m not good enough.

Here we go…

a)  I have a lot of grace for people.  I’ll see the best in you and can move past/forgive offense; I love to love.  It feels good to me continue to find joy in a relationship/a person, even/especially after going through a hard time.

b)  I have good insight into my emotions, why I feel them, what to do about them (if anything), and I can verbalize (better in writing sometimes) those things in ways that enrich my relationships and help a person feel like they really *know* me.

c)  Generally, I am emotionally self-regulatory.  So basically, I don’t place the responsibility for my happiness/emotional well-being on other people.  And I think I do that in a healthy way; it’s not like I’m incapable of opening up to or caring deeply about a person.  It’s more like I use my emotions to enhance a relationship, as opposed to having them suck the life out of the other person.

d)  I like to take good care of my health and appearance. Unlike some periods of my life, this domain is now fun for me. I have a whole playlist on YouTube of just make-up tutorials; I think that’s so cool.  I’ve come such a long way since middle and high school of feeling comfortable in my own skin.  And also *more* than comfortable, happy to be in my own skin.   I even feel beautiful sometimes… when other girls are around or not; it’s something I carry on the inside now.  I feel it in my soul and all the way out to my skin, which in my opinion, is even more beautiful than just a beautiful face and body.  I am me!

e)  Not that I’m perfect, but I am trustworthy. Not like I haven’t hurt or been unkind or grumpy with people close to me, but there is no lack of remorse for those things either.  I am a good, good woman.

f)  I listen to people when they give me honest feedback about myself and can take it to heart. I can handle constructive criticism, especially when it’s given in the spirit of cultivating openness, honesty, and truth in a relationship.

g)  I’m very low on the jealousy radar. I attribute that mostly to emotional health and the network of solid, life-long relationships that I have.  And also to the fact that you attract what you are, which means I probably don’t attract people who I would need to be jealous for anyway.

h) I can encourage individualism and a healthy separateness (without necessarily leaving a relationship), as well as welcoming closeness. I’m learning that both are necessary to good relationships (separateness *and* intimacy).  So, I don’t like feeling trapped in a relationship and instead, welcome a person who can also encourage/tolerate healthy separateness as well as emotional intimacy, a balance between the two.

i)  I can/will stick it out through hard times.  My relational perseverance is rockin’!

j)  I’m adaptable. Even when I stop dating someone, I find it fairly easy to maintain a healthy friendship.

k)  I’m hilarious. I also have the capacity to not take myself too seriously.

l) I can quote almost every line from “You’ve Got Mail” and “Armageddon.”

l) Last but not least, I wrote this on a private dating website (the one that I met Pickle Man on) as a note to a hypothetical significant other….

I’ll stand by you (hypothetical “you”) and always try to see the best in you. I’ll give you grace for your failures and character “flaws.” I’ll smack your butt when we play sports together. I’ll press through the hard times with you. I’ll encourage you to live your dreams. I’ll forgive you, hold you, have fun with you, play with you, talk with you. I’ll protect your freedom. I’ll welcome you into my arms. I’ll make you laugh so hard it hurts and I’ll laugh with you. I’ll listen to you. I’ll try not to ask for more than you can give. I’ll seek my own happiness and assist you in seeking yours. I’ll be proud of you. I’ll be slow to anger, patient, and do my best to resolve all record of wrongs.

Here’s to the goofiness we call Dating…

the end.

Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

A.)  In regards to commitment, I am “all or nothing”.

B.)  I will over-analyze you.

C.)  I over-analyze myself.

D.)  I will over-analyze our relationship.

E.)  I will develop an insatiable capacity for your attention.

F.)  I might be better at sports than you.

G.)  If you’re reading this, you may be a relative.

H.)  If you’re reading this, you may be a female.

It Doesn’t Take Two

From David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage…

She detested how she hid in fear of [her husband, John's] disapproval and vowed to do things differently…  she recognized that she’d never really feel “safe” if she couldn’t do it on her own.

Having made this momentous decision, Mary realized that she didn’t need “permission” to change herself or her marriage.  It doesn’t “take two,” as the old saying goes.   It takes two to keep your marriage the same; it only takes one to change it.  When you change, the relationship changes.

She wanted to become sufficiently solid in her sense of herself that she would stop living in fear of John’s response.

Hugging

Think about your hugging.

How do you hug?  Are you close or keep space between?

How relaxed are you when you hug?

How long do you hug?

How are these things different with different people you hug?

What do you think your hugging says about how you do the rest of life?

What do you think your hugging says about your relationship with the people you hug?

This concept of using hugging as a litmus test comes from David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. I want to add a quote about a concept he calls “hugging till relaxed.”

Start experimenting with hugging till relaxed in private, where you won’t be distracted.  But when you get good at it, do it in your living room and kitchen so your kids can see and feel it.  Modeling intimacy and interest in physical contact is only one benefit.  You can also change the atmosphere in your home.  Since families with young kids are an inherently undifferentiated emotional network, being near parents in a soothing, intimate interaction has the impact of calming children.

~David Schnarch, Ph.D

Bad At Dating, Good At Relationships

So I said in a post a week or two ago that I’m a commitment-phobic.  It’s true that when it comes to dating, I stress myself out.

BUT… at the same time, I’m very good at relationships.

I’m good at accepting people as they are.  I’m good at changing with the various dynamics and sustaining some level of relationship, despite differences, break-ups, hurt feelings, etc.  I’m good at taking responsibility for how I affect the relationship.  I’m good at (and hate as much as the next person, except that it goes so far toward healing relationships) apologizing.  I’m good at seeing the best in people.  I’m good at rolling with the punches and I’m good at enjoying people.

So I’m bad at dating.  But I am good at relationships.

The Grass Can Be Green on Both Sides

I just read a blog post called “Marriage Myths Shattered.”  You can find the post here.

The “Myths” she discussed were the following:

1. I’ll be happy if I’m married because I won’t be alone anymore.
2. I’ll feel complete if I’m married. I’ll have accomplished something with my life.
3. It must be God’s will for me to get married because I want it so badly.
4. If I never get married, it must be a punishment of some kind.

So, I decided to flip to the other side of the coin…

“Singleness Myths Shattered”:

1.  I’d be happy if I was just single again because I wouldn’t have to deal with such a [insert unflattering word] person.

2.  I’d feel complete if I could just be single again; I could accomplish something with my life.

3.  It must be God’s will for me to be single because I’m so unhappy married.

4.  Being married to [this person] must be some kind of punishment.

~~~~~~

There are probably just as many people who are single and wish to be married, as people who are married and wish to be single.  In the Singleness Vs. Marriage tug-o-war – as with everything – it just depends on how you habitually look at life.  There are absolutely important, enjoyable things about being single AND about being married/committed.  Neither side is definitely “greener” than the other.

Life – single or married – is partly what you make of it and partly the environment in which you’re trying to “make it.”  If you marry someone who is immature/mean and unwilling to change, then singleness is probably gonna look better to you eventually.  If you’re single and isolate yourself, then it’s pretty obvious that being married is gonna look more appealing.

So I just say that b/c I’ve come to realize that happiness (which is what we’re all after, though we all go about it differently, i.e. religiosity, spirituality, sports, career success, money, friends, family, etc.) is two fold.  Like I said, on the one hand life is what I make of it and on the other hand, life just is what it is.

I hope that is all vague, non-directive, because life is complicated and there are no really good pat answers.  I will simply say that wherever you think you want to get, or whenever you think you are headed, being grateful is a good way to enjoy more being exactly where you are… whether single or in a committed relationship.

Eureka: Why I Hate Dating

So… to any long-time reader, it’s no secret that I don’t enjoy dating.  In fact, I’ll go so far as to say I hate it.  It totally stresses me out.  I become unnatural, over-analytical, and work too hard at it.  It is NO FUN.  Even when I try to relax, it’s unnatural and forced.

Dating *totally* stresses me out.  (Did I already say that?)  I become rigid, worrier, Neurotic-girl.  Filtered and fake.  I stress myself out.  Even with guys I really like, I eventually just have to put myself – and the poor guy who is trying to date me! – out of my self-induced stress-state.

So, I brought this issue to my counselor tonight, basically saying…

I don’t like how I date!  I’m happier single; I don’t worry near as much.  When I’m dating I get myself all in a tizzy that would make even the most self-contained, Zen master-person go absolutely CRAZY.

My counselor then mentioned my first session with him when I said that I’d always thought I was going to meet, date, and marry ONE person.  I always thought that.  It’s why I waited so long to start dating… because the ONE guy, who had to be freaking perfect (I was unknowingly ridiculous about that) cause I was going to marry him of course, hadn’t come along yet.

Well… again, to any long-time reader, you know that I dated a guy for quite awhile and then we broke up.  And quite succinctly, my plan (the only one I’d ever had) went out the freaking perfect WINDOW. I did love him, but it was careful and measured.  I never fell in love with him. There was no reckless abandon, no feelings of complete safety and trust.

I’m now supremely glad I didn’t marry him (he’s glad too he didn’t marry me!).  We are still friends (if you wanna know) and while I’m happily moved on from all that… I haven’t done a good job AT ALL of adjusting my “plan.”

I STILL date with all the seriousness of a person walking down the stinkin’ AISLE.  No wonder I’m a commitment-phobic, given all the pressure I put on myself in dating!  No wonder I like being single!  No wonder singleness feels like freedom!

The other thing is that – as a true mid-westerner – I know that when something isn’t working, that just means you have to WORK HARDER.

Do I have to say that this definitely does not work in relationships????????  In fact, as my counselor said, the better way to improve a relationship is to let go.

But I’ve never been good at “letting go.”  What I can do though, is hold on to something else.  And I can hold on to singleness…  I know who I am.  I know where I’m going. I know what’s important to me.  I know what I can do. I know who loves me.  I know who I love.

I just don’t know how to date.

My counselor had a good idea.  He said, “Why don’t you just stop dating and focus on developing friendships.”

I really like that idea.  It’s like I’ve been trying to go straight from Baltic Avenue to Park Place without actually going around the board.  It kinda feels like a long way around.  And it’s not like I’m going shut down my heart.  I think that if I keep skydiving, having fun, and opening myself up to all the possibilities that Life offers – adventuring, laughing, thinking, loving, grieving sometimes too, and living by my own creed – then maybe someday I’ll wake up and realize that somewhere between Free Parking and Marvin Gardens…

I got a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card.  I fell in love.

And even if I don’t,  you better believe [insert funny Monopoly joke here].

~~~~~~~

“Sojourn in every place as if you meant to spend your life there,

never omitting an opportunity of doing a kindness, speaking a true word,

or making a friend.” ~J. Ruskin

~~~~~~~

I liked this article… “Marriage is Easy”