George Orwell

“It is a feeling of relief, almost of pleasure, at knowing yourself at last genuinely down and out. You have talked so often of going to the dogs – and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety.”

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George Orwell (Down and Out in Paris and London)

First Love

Playing piano is probably my first and purest love.

From the Wise

To The End

I am not averse to being brought to my knees in pain.

I will yet love.

I may weep inconsolably.

I will then hope.

I allow myself to fall apart.  Even despair.

I will yet forgive.

I need not always feel well.

I am alive.

I live with pain and insecurity.  I let my heart ache.

I can feel it beating.

Let me not be swayed from my course.

To love.

To love.

To love.

To the end.

To the end.

To the end.

Fat Lip

Right now I have a purple and fat lip.

Eva needs to work on her catching skills,

so that things don’t fly through her hands

and hit her in the face

anymore.

Back to Pretending

Here I am again.  The university down the street from me.  In the library pretending to be a student, but actually just working pinning.  (To be fair, I will actually get around to working, I just haven’t gotten there yet.

I like to think everyone here thinks I’m a student.  More than once since I’ve graduated from college, I’ve wished that I could have another college experience now that I’m more me.  The majority of my first college experience was just me holed up either in my dorm room or my room at home, studying.  Not to say things would definitely be different a second time around, but I do think I would like to meet more people this time around.  Who knows, I may even *hang out* with them.

I want to go to class again.  I love listening to lectures; taking notes; carrying my backpack around with all my knowledge-gaining materials.  It’s just such a beautiful thing.

But for now, I’m back to pretending I’m a student, rather than hoping I am on the verge of being one.  Which is okay too…. Pretending is just as fun, but without homework.

In other news, I think the Super Bowl was yesterday.

It’s Time

The time has come to start letting myself not “match” at work.  I have come to find it phenomenally interesting and attractive.  It is time to bust it out.

Got a Call From Nervous

I got a call from my friend Nervous today.  She said she was going to be visiting me until Monday, January 30th.

I told her that was perfectly fine, we could talk and get re-acquainted with one another for the limited time she would be with me.  While we were talking she also gave the heads up that my other friends Disappointed or Elated might come after she left, but she wasn’t sure which one it would be.  I told her that was okay, I would be prepared for either one.

In the meantime, I’ll have a nice time with Nervous.  We’re going to do something low-key tonight.  In fact, she may just come and hang out with me while I work at the office…

How I Feel About Days and People Past

Funny how some people I had thought were going to be so significant in my life, turned out not to be.  And funny how their absence in my life is not significant either.

In the best way possible, I really don’t care anymore.  It’s in a way that enables me to be very present in my life now and appreciate those people who I love and have ongoing relationships with.  I care about *them*.

I am a woman moved on.  I am a woman free of burdens from my past.  I am a woman filled with hope and optimism, with what feels unending gratitude for who I have become, where I am at in my life, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

In 2004, I recall feeling hopeless.  But that’s okay; I’m comfortable with having had that feeling.

In 2009, I recall feeling alone.  But that is also okay; I’m comfortable with having had that feeling.  We got it sorted out for the better and perfectly incorporated into my narrative.

That’s how I feel about it.  People have come and gone (important ones have stayed).  Feelings have come and gone.  Places have come and gone.  Jobs have come and gone.  Schools have come and gone.  Pets have come and gone.

Everything is still coming and going.  I’m like liquid mercury flowing down a sloping thing… er, no.  I’m like a living, breathing, maleable, adaptable, resilient, loving thing.  I’ve survived my traumas so well they don’t even feel like they were traumas anymore.  They were my stepping stones.  They were how I got stronger.  They are part of how I got to being This Me, the Me of today.  And part of the Me of tomorrow.

Oh, ye people who have gone!  Oh, days of old!  Oh, ye things I’ve grieved!   You are fine to have come.  And you are fine to have gone.  Thank you.  And good night.

(picture from The Daybook Blog)

Natural Insecurities

I am realizing that part of being human is that you get some natural insecurities.  It’s part of being finite and needing other finite things – attachments that feel secure, food, shelter, water, etc. – to be able to feel good.

The noted need that I am thinking about as I write this is that of/for “secure attachments.”  We need our attachments to *feel* secure, but there is no such thing as a truly *secure* attachment.

We love finite human beings… we are time-limited.

Hence, there are natural insecurities.  But because that makes loving potentially so painful, it also makes it that much more necessary.  We can’t live with fear, however natural it is, without also needing someone to temper the fear.  Someone for you to shelter in the storm of life and for you to be sheltered by in the same storm.   A finite someone, but still…

Someone with whom you feel secure.