A Happy Marriage

Natural Insecurities

I am realizing that part of being human is that you get some natural insecurities.  It’s part of being finite and needing other finite things – attachments that feel secure, food, shelter, water, etc. – to be able to feel good.

The noted need that I am thinking about as I write this is that of/for “secure attachments.”  We need our attachments to *feel* secure, but there is no such thing as a truly *secure* attachment.

We love finite human beings… we are time-limited.

Hence, there are natural insecurities.  But because that makes loving potentially so painful, it also makes it that much more necessary.  We can’t live with fear, however natural it is, without also needing someone to temper the fear.  Someone for you to shelter in the storm of life and for you to be sheltered by in the same storm.   A finite someone, but still…

Someone with whom you feel secure.

What Would You Do?

What would you do if you were a girl and you – out-of-the-blue – met a boy who…

~  was kind

~ was attentive to you

~  was calm

~ was mature

~ was funny

~ was ridiculously intelligent

~ was genuinely humble

~ gave good hugs

~ asked you questions

~ was good-looking

~ was athletic

~ was responsible

~ was adventurous and spontaneous

~ enjoyed life

~ didn’t complain

~ had a secure attachment style

~ who treated all people well/with respect

~ who was self-aware, but not self-absorbed

~ who liked spending time with you

What would you do?  Would you spend time with such a one?

… yeah, me too.  :)

This, Too, Was a Gift

Someone I loved once gave me

A box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

That this, too, was a gift.

~Mary Oliver

Speak

Note to self:

No one ever regretted bringing up an issue [in a relationship] that was important to them.  ~paraphrase from Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

Even if I say it wrong or bring up negative emotions in someone or change the relational dynamics… I don’t think I will ever regret bringing up an issue that is important to me.  I want to be honest, genuine, and sincere in my relationships.

Things They Should Teach You In School (via Jaclyn Rae’s Blog)

How to love someone. How to tell someone they've hurt you. How to apologize without defending yourself. How to tell someone you don't love them anymore. How to resist impulse spending. How to be polite and assertive. How to ask for help. How to take responsibility for your own happiness. How to have empathy for others. How to surround yourself with people who add value to your life. How to live within a budget. How to have a good attitude. How to … Read More

via Jaclyn Rae's Blog

How I Move

Random thinking of late…..

I’m newly interested in the game of poker and its surrounding culture.

I would like to get good at Gin.

I’m smart about people.

I get anxious about people-related things sometimes.

Self regulating my emotions is difficult when centipedes are involved (which has been three times lately).

Work very stressful and time-consuming lately.  I find myself thinking a lot, “I just can’t do it.”

Mostly, I’m working full days, starting at 7am or earlier and ending around 4 or 5pm; then I go back to work (or anywhere with internet) for another couple-few hours in the evening.  That’s how it’s been lately.

My internet is still not working.  I’m sure I could just make a phone call and get it figured out, but I kinda like not having internet (except that I have to leave to do work, even things that would only take a few minutes).  I’m reading more books and listening to more music, and am generally satisfied with spending less time on the internet (sorry, it also means less blogging).  I’m feeling more wholesome.

I still worry that I’m going to get addicted to something.  That “thing” always changes, always something different.  Not a terribly well-founded worry.

Sometimes I worry (not about getting addicted to something, just other things) very intensely; then I can kinda resolve it and I feel very comfortable in my skin/life, and feel like I can handle just about anything.  Because I return to a belief that I am Good.  Open-hearted.  Imperfect, loving, and lovable.  Only, I am my own worst enemy.  When I can survive myself, I feel invincible.

I’ve recently been thinking that chess can be a good analogy for relationships.  And even the lack of a move, is a move, and requires interpretation for the purpose of adjusting your own game/how you play/etc.

I try to always move my “pieces” in ways congruent with the things that matter to me… that I can love.  That, that is a good thing.  And that everyone deserves it (not necessarily permanently, but certainly my effort toward it for a time).  And that I can recover a feeling of whole-ness, even when I move my chess pieces with genuine, caring intent, and another person does not.

Other people who also move their pieces like I do (with genuine, caring intentions toward/for me), are very valuable treasures and should be treated as such all the time.  Those are the people with whom, you can let your guard down and feel safe, even when you are unprotected.

It’s good to always find purpose in things.  You can make it up and it’s still good.  Growth can be intentional.

Picture How I Feel Right Now

Paraphrase from EHarmony

E-harmony still sends me junk mail.  Sometimes I read it, like today.  They sent me the “Top 10 reasons for Break-ups” or something like that.  And since I – even single – worry about breaking up, as I always have… I read it.  See below…

Secrets.

Jealousy.

Religion.

Family “gets in the way.”

One ready for marriage when other is not.

They found someone else.

Fell out of love (i.e. they are immature and don’t know what love is).

Too far (geographically) apart/can’t spend enough time together.

Money issues.

Emotional instability of one or both partners.

 

My Favorite Poem By Oriah (via Jaclyn Rae’s Blog)

"The Invitation" It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have b … Read More

via Jaclyn Rae's Blog

Boys

“My colleague told me:  ‘It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out.  When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple.  Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.’”

~excerpt from Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture