My Fears

I keep tabs on my fears.  I keep tabs on how realistic they are, the likelihood of them happening, and from what direction.

As is typical in life, at times I run right into a fear.  It pops up in front of me clear as day, out of the blue.  That is the point at which point I realize I am not *that* afraid, because amid my surprise I still see clearly what I can *do* in that situation.

It’s like, “Oh, hello there, thing I’ve been scared of all my life.  You know, up close you don’t look as horrible as I thought.  In fact, I think we can work this out.  You may be just what I needed.”

And I feel filled with hope and love.

Relevant Questions

“What would be left undone if I died today?”

“How can I live most fully in whatever time is left?”

~ both quotes from Ira Byock, M.D., Dying Well

Back when I was watching The Time Traveler’s Wife every day, people who knew that kept asking me why I liked it so much.  My answer was that for me it brought up relevant questions.  While I didn’t use the exact wording of the questions above, those were the relevant questions that were brought up for me.  They are questions that I have spent (since I was about 18) and continue to spend a lot of time considering.

In my close relationships, at work, and generally in my life as full-grown woman intent on living well, I consider those questions.  Sometimes there are clear answers and steps that I realize I want to take.  Other times, the consideration just make a “crisis” a little less of a crisis, because I am reminded that I am still – even amidst my crisis – here for a finite amount of time.  Thus, violence in any form (verbal, emotional, and of course, physical (although don’t interpret that to say I’m the hardest core pacifist)), toward anyone, including myself, is not worth it* and quite simply, stands in the way of that which I am most intent on… living and dying well, i.e., loving to the end.

*Better to use effective communication/assertiveness.  No hate or vengeance, rather, open and respectful communication.

George Orwell

“It is a feeling of relief, almost of pleasure, at knowing yourself at last genuinely down and out. You have talked so often of going to the dogs – and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety.”

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George Orwell (Down and Out in Paris and London)

First Love

Playing piano is probably my first and purest love.

From the Wise

To The End

I am not averse to being brought to my knees in pain.

I will yet love.

I may weep inconsolably.

I will then hope.

I allow myself to fall apart.  Even despair.

I will yet forgive.

I need not always feel well.

I am alive.

I live with pain and insecurity.  I let my heart ache.

I can feel it beating.

Let me not be swayed from my course.

To love.

To love.

To love.

To the end.

To the end.

To the end.

Fat Lip

Right now I have a purple and fat lip.

Eva needs to work on her catching skills,

so that things don’t fly through her hands

and hit her in the face

anymore.

Back to Pretending

Here I am again.  The university down the street from me.  In the library pretending to be a student, but actually just working pinning.  (To be fair, I will actually get around to working, I just haven’t gotten there yet.

I like to think everyone here thinks I’m a student.  More than once since I’ve graduated from college, I’ve wished that I could have another college experience now that I’m more me.  The majority of my first college experience was just me holed up either in my dorm room or my room at home, studying.  Not to say things would definitely be different a second time around, but I do think I would like to meet more people this time around.  Who knows, I may even *hang out* with them.

I want to go to class again.  I love listening to lectures; taking notes; carrying my backpack around with all my knowledge-gaining materials.  It’s just such a beautiful thing.

But for now, I’m back to pretending I’m a student, rather than hoping I am on the verge of being one.  Which is okay too…. Pretending is just as fun, but without homework.

In other news, I think the Super Bowl was yesterday.

Got a Call From Nervous

I got a call from my friend Nervous today.  She said she was going to be visiting me until Monday, January 30th.

I told her that was perfectly fine, we could talk and get re-acquainted with one another for the limited time she would be with me.  While we were talking she also gave the heads up that my other friends Disappointed or Elated might come after she left, but she wasn’t sure which one it would be.  I told her that was okay, I would be prepared for either one.

In the meantime, I’ll have a nice time with Nervous.  We’re going to do something low-key tonight.  In fact, she may just come and hang out with me while I work at the office…

How I Feel About Days and People Past

Funny how some people I had thought were going to be so significant in my life, turned out not to be.  And funny how their absence in my life is not significant either.

In the best way possible, I really don’t care anymore.  It’s in a way that enables me to be very present in my life now and appreciate those people who I love and have ongoing relationships with.  I care about *them*.

I am a woman moved on.  I am a woman free of burdens from my past.  I am a woman filled with hope and optimism, with what feels unending gratitude for who I have become, where I am at in my life, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

In 2004, I recall feeling hopeless.  But that’s okay; I’m comfortable with having had that feeling.

In 2009, I recall feeling alone.  But that is also okay; I’m comfortable with having had that feeling.  We got it sorted out for the better and perfectly incorporated into my narrative.

That’s how I feel about it.  People have come and gone (important ones have stayed).  Feelings have come and gone.  Places have come and gone.  Jobs have come and gone.  Schools have come and gone.  Pets have come and gone.

Everything is still coming and going.  I’m like liquid mercury flowing down a sloping thing… er, no.  I’m like a living, breathing, maleable, adaptable, resilient, loving thing.  I’ve survived my traumas so well they don’t even feel like they were traumas anymore.  They were my stepping stones.  They were how I got stronger.  They are part of how I got to being This Me, the Me of today.  And part of the Me of tomorrow.

Oh, ye people who have gone!  Oh, days of old!  Oh, ye things I’ve grieved!   You are fine to have come.  And you are fine to have gone.  Thank you.  And good night.

(picture from The Daybook Blog)