20 Questions

1. What’s your life motto, or philosophy you live by?  I don’t know.  The thing I say most often is, “It’s okay.”

2. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?  Ability to listen.

3. Do you follow a religion or spiritual practice?  Loving people how I think Jesus would like to.

4. What was the best time of your life?  Right now.

5. What was the worst thing that every happened to you? Is it the “worst” if it’s the most valuable?

6. What’s your biggest dream?  To be dying knowing that I loved the best I could.

7. What did you want to be when you were a kid?  A photographer, a musician, or a writer.

8.  What was/is your biggest accomplishment?  Changing me and changing my life to fit.

9. Why do you think we’re all here?  Just lucky.

10. What was your best relationship?  The ones I still have.

11. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?  That it would be easy to see how much the good there is.

12. Do you like your job?  Absolutely love it.

13. What are your favorite hobbies?  Ultimate and reading.

14. If money was no object, what would you do in life?  What I’m doing already.

15. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?  Probably.

16. What are you thankful for?  My six people and their Littles.

17. What do you wish people understood more about you?  I am understood by me (most important) and by those who want to understand me.

18. If you could turn back time and do anything differently, would you?  No.

19. What’s the craziest, or most exciting thing you’ve ever done?  Running away from the police in another country to avoid a fine.  I’d totally be willing to pay the fine now.  

20.  What do you think about most often?  The people I love and if I’m doing enough good.

 

*Note: these 20 questions were thanks to www.powerofpositivity.com

Summer 2015

I had such a great summer.  Early this summer, I discovered a group of competitive Ultimate players  that play 2-3 times PER WEEK, year round, right down the street.  Which totally makes me starry eyed, just thinking about it.  On top of that, I got to play in four Ultimate tournaments:  Monkey Bowl in May, Commonwealth Games in July, CUDO Summer League Tourney in July, and HoDown in August.  Also in August, The Man and I visited his brother and sister-in-law in Asheville.  That was such a fun visit, because it was the first time the four of us had spent time together, just us.  We are fabulous together:  same phase of life, similar interests, similar senses of humor, interconnected, generally same levels of differentiation, etc.

Also, this summer I got to spend another week and a half at home in Ohio (spent two weeks there earlier this year, as well) with mi madre and padre after my mom’s knee surgery.  That’s probably the highlight and the thing I’ll remember the most about this year… getting to spend almost a month back on the homestead with my parents.  It was just like old times, but yet not.  It was all the good things about family without the strain of a mother-teenage-daughter-relationship thrown in there.  It was seriously a treasure.

I have six people.  Six people (not counting the Four Littles), who I dearly love above all others in the whole, wide, entire world:  Papa, Mama, Brother, Sister, The Man, and Best Friend.

Speaking of Best Friend, I visited her a couple weeks ago and it was AWESOME.  First of all, we got lots of quality time together.  Secondly, we went to the public pool and did backflips off the diving board, just like we used to that one summer in junior high.  Thirdly, we played Foot Golf with her husband and it was so fun.  Everything about that visit was life-enriching.

While I was there, Best Friend put me onto the tracks of Glennon Doyle Melton.  When I got home I got her book Carry On, Warrior, and the proceeded to read it – to the end, no less- in a record 48 HOURS.  I think the thing I liked most about that book was that she thinks about God like I do, but before I read her book I thought I was the only one (except maybe Best Friend).  I thought as I read it, about writing a blog post but I never got past the title, which was going to be something like, “Hey, Church, Ur Doin It Wrong”.

Glennon really gets grace, which has always (and by “always,” I mean the last 10 years) been my favorite part too.  I feel like my church, and my old church too, talk a lot about grace.  But only for people who are SORRY.  That just doesn’t strike me as a very far-reaching kind of grace.

Anyway, I told Best Friend while I was there that I feel most connected to God at work, undoing hurts.  If you know the kinds of kids I work with, you understand why.  If you know the kids themselves, you understand even better.

Structural Couples Therapy

“… Functional couples not only tolerate, but actively encourage, differences between the partners. They are marked by an ethos and a style of interaction that invites each partner to see the ways in which the other partner is different as a resource rather than as a threat.”

~ George R. Simon, “Structural Couple Therapy”

“The dysfunctional couple, in distinction, is one whose external boundary is excessively diffuse or rigid… A rigid boundary… cuts the couple off from its environment. The couple behaves, not as a subsystem, but as a world unto itself, resulting inevitably in functional and emotional overload… The dysfunctional couple also displays extremes in its approach to internal differentiation. Differences between the partners are either not tolerated, or they rigidify into warring positions, or at least into positions that do not engage in significant dialogue with each other. In both scenarios, the couple subsystem is deprived of resources.”

~ George R. Simon, “Structural Couple Therapy”

Freedom

Just wanted to try to write down a timeline of the tiny steps I took over the past 10-12 years in order end up in a place to finally be relieved of disordered living, i.e. obsessed about weight.  I used to use the analogy in my head that I felt like I was on a treadmill, sprinting, and as hard as I was trying I couldn’t get off.  The steps below document my slow down.  Establishing each of these steps into patterns felt to me like submitting a mountain.  Each time, I felt like I had finally “arrived.”  Each time I felt another tiny bit more relief.

(I only remember the things that made the most impact.)

2004 (Spring) – repeated the thought, “It’s okay” every time I felt self-conscious and/or self-hate (I really just hated my body, but at the time I could not differentiate between me and my body).  I thought about my dad when it got really bad and that always helped/helps.

2009 (May) – started going for a walk first thing in the morning, instead of eating right away.  By “eating” I mean, over-eating.  Result:  a little tiny moment each that I liked myself and didn’t have to run for it.

2009 (Summer/Fall) –  Stopped depriving myself of what I really wanted. Instead, I put focus on deciding what I really wanted to eat and then eating that. Result:  began long, slow process of eliminating shame about food.

2010 – Began eating sitting down, with the lights on, never when watching TV, only keeping food around I felt good about eating (still never put any food “off limits”, just made it further out of reach), always dividing stuff into portions; generally, paying more attention to my food and enjoying it.

2012 – embraced the concept of budgeting for food.  (For example:  eating a little healthier or a little less at the next meal after a meal when I didn’t eat quite so healthy or just ate too much.  Or “saving up” for a special treat.)  Result: began eliminating over-eating.

2013 – stopped weighing myself!  Only took me 9 years to truly stop.  I had tried before, but then my weight would spike, so I’d go back to weighing myself.  It was the “perfect” tool to shaming myself into excessive running.  Good riddance.  Result: so much less time spent thinking about weight!

2014 – stopped eating sweets, except when I really wanted to, and then would eat with protein (without guilt).  Then… I stopped craving sweets.  And in turn, had a significantly easier time eating just wanted I need and truly enjoyed.

2015 – went grain-free, initially, then as I was ready, on to a Low-Glycemic lifestyle. No cravings.  No self-hate.  Result:  freedom.

Taylor Swift Quote

I dearly, dearly love this quote by Taylor Swift that is in the June 2015 edition of Elle Magazine…

“A broken hearted person is unlike any other person.  Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours.  It’s this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted.  Nothing distracts you from it.  Then time passes and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having [what or who you lost]… You replace these old habits with new habits… and then all of a sudden one day [you realize], ‘I’m finally clean.'”

~Taylor Swift

His Telling

This past weekend I spent the day with The Man at his house.  It snowed all day and was absolutely magical (to me, I like that sort of thing).  Late morning sometime, we went for a walk together around the pond while it was snowing.  Everything was white and we were on the heels of a week or two of record low temperatures.  Thus, I was poking around the edge of the water to see if it was frozen, which it was.  However, the rest of the story I’m going to write as told by The Man later that afternoon… “Hey, Eva, remember that time you lured me out on the pond, jumped up and down until the ice cracked, and then raced back, pushing past me to get to shore?” Yeah, so that happened.  I had poked my way about 20 feet out from shore, stomping and jumping as I went to test the ice.  So there I was talking to The Man as he walked out on the ice with me.  As I stood there, we heard this loud *crack* underneath our feet, like a gunshot.  And you know in those moments, you just go into survival mode.  Assuming he felt the same sincerity of purpose that I did about getting to shore, I ran right by him.  It was not the most helpful I’ve ever been, I admit it.  Sure was funny to talk about later though.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was such a wonderful, wonderful day.  Like, the stuff of legends.  We watched Harry Potter movies too.  I just felt (and feel) like I have everything in the world.  My family, my best friend, and The Man.  That is everything. I can’t believe how good The Man loves me.  So patiently, so kindly, so tenderly.

Finally 30

In less than three months I will be 30 years old.  Every time I think about it I remember a quote a resident told me when I was working in the assisted living facility… “What no one tells you about getting old is that it’s such a nice change from being young.”

I generally take myself way less seriously than I used to way back when I was in my 20s.  I also don’t weigh myself obsessively.  In fact, I don’t weigh myself at all.  Nothing I need to know about my health or how I feel about my body requires that I know how much I weigh.

I picked up a new sport and got good at it.  I figured out what my management and supervision style is, and stopped abusing myself for not doing it like someone else.  In fact, quite the opposite, I’ve watched my staff blossom and really appreciated that I got to witness it.

I grew to be able to feel deeply without needing to shut it off.  I cry a lot now, which is great.  I smile and laugh a lot too.  I also just sit quietly a lot.

I like to stick my hands in my pockets when I’m walking around.  It feels comfortable doing that.

I rush a lot less than I used to.  Better time management, maybe.

I’m exactly as assertive as I think is awesome.  I can say things well and gently, even when they are super important to me.

I love every day.  I love that I never have to handle more than one day at a time.

Would I go back to being 18?  20?  25?  Nope.  I’m good.

The Man’s Toothpaste

The Man to me: Oh, I have a story you’ll appreciate… The other day I was almost out of toothpaste, so I squeezed the last bit out on my finger and put it on my teeth.  I grabbed my toothbrush and started brushing.  But then I thought, “Man, this toothpaste tastes bad.”

Me:  Oh, no…

The Man:  Yeah.  Do you know where this is going?

Me:  It wasn’t toothpaste?

The Man:  It was a stink bug.  I was brushing my teeth with a stink bug.

Only Two Kinds of People

I think there may only be two kinds of people in the world…

Those who know they are feeling.

And those who think they are not.

Dr. Seuss on Jesus

Dr. Seuss in The Grinch sort of summaries my feelings about “the church” and Jesus.

~~~~

On “the church”:

Cindy Lou Who: Everybody seems too kerbabbled. Isn’t this just a little superfluous?

Narrator: [I] puzzled and puzzled till [my] puzzler was sore.Then [I] thought of something [I] hadn’t before. Maybe Christmas Jesus, [I] thought… doesn’t come from a store church. Maybe [Jesus], perhaps… means a little bit more!

~~~~

(I inserted “Jesus” in place of “Christmas”)

Where are you, Jesus?
Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can’t I hear music play?

My world is changing
I’m rearranging
Does that mean Jesus changes too?…

Where are you, Jesus?
Do you remember
The one you used to know?
I’m not the same one
See what the time’s done
Is that why you have let me go?…

Jesus is here
Everywhere…
Jesus is here
If you care…

If there is love in your heart and your mind
It will feel like Jesus all the time…

I feel you, Jesus
I know I’ve found you
You never fade away…
The joy of Jesus
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love.