How I Feel About “Love”

In the last few years I have caught myself saying many times in my head, “I don’t believe in love.”  Every time I do it I stop myself and say something, “Oh, c’mon.  You do.”  It’s actually kinda concerned me.  I wonder if I don’t have any feelings.  Well, I know I have compassion.  Sometimes.  I have depression, if that’s a feeling.  But whenever I use the word “love,” I can’t figure out what feeling is attached to it.  And I’m afraid that’s because there is no feeling attached to it.

Why is that?

Do I not love?

I don’t know what love is supposed to be or feel like.  When I hear love songs on the radio they just don’t “get” me.  They don’t catch me up in memories of some long lost love.  I feel… nothing.  Usually I turn them off.  Every once in awhile I make myself listen to a whole one, just to try it on for size.  It never works though.  I’m just dry.  No tears.  No pangs of love.  Nothing.  I’m just dry.

Why is that?

Well.

I think I figured out today.  Goodie for me that I psychoanalyze myself all the time and then write on this blog about it.  I’ve acutally have had some very telling and relieving epiphanies.

Today it was about love and why I don’t feel it.  I mean… I SAY it and I MEAN it.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to FEEL when I say it though.  When I say it it means, “You are very important to me.”

But I’m getting off track…

I wanted to figure out why I don’t BELIEVE in love.  Cause I honestly don’t think I do.  At least not the feeling of love.  I think it’s a bunch of bogus hoop la that gets you all worked up for awhile and then slowly fades out until you got nothing left but a choice… there’s no flowery FEELING left, you just have to choose… Do I love this person or not?  Yes or no.  To do or not to do, because love is evidenced with action, right?  I think so.

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~ by Eva on April 7, 2009.

3 Responses to “How I Feel About “Love””

  1. I agree with you, that love is more of a choice. When someone loves another, what is it they are choosing to do for that person because they “love” him/her?

    As you continue ruminating on the topic of love, keep this in mind. Some cultures (ancient Greek being the obvious example) have different words to distinguish between different kinds of love. In essence, they do a better job of pinpointing the various realities of love than, say, English & western culture.

  2. Love in action means, I choose to think and behave in a way that values who they are and the relationship we share. Keeping their desires in my mind as I traverse my day/life, go an extra mile to maintain/deepen the relationship, take time for them, listen to them, talk to them, do things that make them feel loved, talk about them in a honest, yet positive way, adjust my priorities so they are closer to the top, be willing to compromise with them on things/issues, encourage them, be willing to expand my comfort zone for them/the relationship, etc. (It also means taking care of myself so that I have the energy/capacity/health to love. When one isn’t caring for themselves in basic ways, “love”, however you define it, dries up.)

  3. ouch but how true- you either do or don’t- and that’s what it comes down to

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