More Thoughts on “Dating”
I was talking to Best Friend R yesterday. I came here to do some job hunting today and then just spend time with them (she and her husband) this weekend. We ate supper together (her husband was out with his grandparents) and then went for a walk. As you can imagine, she got an ear full of everything that’s been on my mind and helped me process it in a more logical, clear-headed way. It had a lot to do with what I wrote about hating dating. But I’ve decided that I would like to enjoy this process (of dating).
Every once in awhile I get fixated on the end result and start thinking in black and white. Like, one ending is good and the other is bad. But that’s really not the case. And it’s especially not the case if I learn to enjoy this process of getting to know and develop affection for another human being. If I can learn to enjoy the process and the unknown, then no matter how it turns out in the end, the results will be good. Good because my life was blessed and enriched by Pickle Man and hopefully, his life by me.
That is good no matter which way you look at it or how it turns out.
Honestly, what seems to be my greatest hindrance to that is just that I get scared. I’m one who believes that we all have core fears and things that happen in life, relationships, and whatnot, can push buttons to trigger those fear/s. My core fear… the deepest one, I think… that always seems to trip me up, is the fear of not being good enough. This fear follows me across the board, into education, employment, relationships, exercise, weight… the list goes on.
With Pickle Man, honestly, the thing that tortures my brain the most is the thought of being broken up with for a reason that confirms me fear that I am not good enough. Just the THOUGHT strikes fear in my heart.
Sad story, huh? Not only because I AM good enough. But also, because this fear makes it hard for me to open up to Pickle Man.
The facts of the matter are these…
1) Pickle Man is unfailingly kind. To everyone. If it happened that he felt that it was the right thing to do to end our significant-other-type relationship, I KNOW he would be the nicest guy ever about it. I am sure of this, without question.
2) Like I said, I am good enough. Of course. Not perfect, but as a human being, I am good enough.
3) It’s unclear how Pickle Man and my relationship will “end up.”
4) I really enjoy him.
5) Fearful Eva is afraid of having her worst fear confirmed.
6) The best way to not get overwhelmed by the thought of being broken up with – rocket science here -> is to not think about it. “Pretend it’s not even an option,” are the wise words of Best Friend R. Now of course, it is an option, but what the heck good does that to me to dwell on that all day long?
7) Even if Pickle Man and I broke up right now, I would be okay. I would be sad. I would adjust. And then I would learn how to be grateful for the gift of knowing him and I would re-find peace and happiness.
8) Final facts: I really like Pickle Man. I willl work on keeping an open-heart and not being afraid. (The purest and truest form of freedom to me is the freedom from fear.) And last but certainly not least, Pickle Man is just great. Just great, I tell you.