On Hope

I hope I someday figure out how to really believe in God.  And let God believe in me.  I hope someday I find the strength to be weak.

I hope someday I make better peace with my disappointed hopes.  I hope I learn how to better enjoy the little things in life.  I hope someday I have better boundaries so I can be more free.  I hope I learn to find more joy in life.  I hope I make peace with the challenges of life, while also never stopping fighting the good fight.

I hope someday I find someone who’s willing to persevere through the hard times with me.  Someone who won’t let me push him away.  I hope someday I will also laugh a lot with said person.  (See… I can already feel myself going back to my old ways of expecting to be single for the rest of my life.  That’s not so bad, I do enjoy being single.  It’s simple, easy, independent.  After Pickle Man though, it sounds much more lonely than it used to.)  I hope someday I learn to own my desires, rather than repress them, and learn to do less self-protective-worse-case-scenario thinking.

I hope I keep my ability to hear people deepest secrets without being shocked and while loving them.  I hope I keep my ability to maintain relationships over decades and long distances.  I hope I keep the peace I am making with myself.  I hope I make more of it too.  I hope I continue to keep in mind that death could be just a moment or a day away without being morbid.  I hope I keep my curiosity in human nature/people and I hope I keep my introspection (though a little less would be fine).   I hope I keep seeing the very best in people.

There is one person who is like this (what I hope to be) in many ways and comes to mind immediately… Pickle Man’s mother.  She is a radiant, single, 60-something, who emanates a peace and joy that welcomes people into her presence.  I miss her dearly.  There are some people along the way of life, who just have the gift of making a person feel loved, even upon first meeting.  She is one of those people.

Thinking of people like her give me hope.  There’s another woman who just moved into the place where I work, and she also gives me hope.  Her spirit is so alive and boy, does she love Jesus!  She is a main reason that I have returned my eyes to my Bible.   She is so old, TINY, and shakes with Parkinsons, yet her presence feels so youthful.  It is entrancing.  After spending some time with her that first time and seeing her comeplete, profound joy in Jesus… I could hardly keep myself away from the Bible.  I hope to spend as much time with her as I can before I find a full-time job and have to quit.


~ by Eva on September 11, 2009.

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