“Hold Me Tight” Cont…

Here’s the first part… https://evalawrie.wordpress.com/2009/09/15/snippets-from-hold-me-tight/

~ pg. 94 ~ … where did you learn to ignore and discount your needs for emotional connection? … When do you feel most alone?  Can you dare share the answers to these questions with your partner? … Can you share with your partner one cue that sparks the distancing dance? … Can you also identify exactly how you push your partner away from you or make it dangerous for him or her to come close?

~ pg. 98 ~ We all are vulnerable in love; it goes with the territory.  We are more emotionally naked with those we love and so sometimes, inevitably, we hurt each other with careless words or actions.  While these occasions sting, the pain is often superficial and fleeting.  But almost all of us have at least one additional exquisite sensitivity – a raw spot in our emotional skin – that is tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful.  When this raw spot gets abraded, it can bleed all over our relationship.  We lose our emotional balance and plunge into Demon Dialogues … resulting in a person’s feeling what I call the “2 D’s” – emotionally deprived or deserted.

~ pg. 100 ~ … raw spots are not always a reminder of past wounds; they can crop up in a current relationship, even a generally happy one, if we feel especially emotionally deprived or deserted.  Raw spots can occur during big transitions or crises… when the need for support from our partner is particularly intense, but it doesn’t come.

~ pg. 101 ~ … suppressing significant emotions is hard to do and often ends up being toxic to relationships. … Indeed, we don’t even recognize that we have raw spots.  We are only aware of our secondary reaction to the irritation – defensively numbing out and shutting down, or reactively lashing out in anger.  Withdrawal and rage are hallmarks of Demon Dialogues, and they mask the emotions that are central in vulnerability:  sadness, shame, and, most of all, fear.

~ pg. 103 ~ … we are not prisoners of the past.  We can change for the better… we can heal even deep vulnerabilities with the help of a loving spouse.  We can “earn” a basic sense of secure connection with the aid of a responsive partner who helps us deal with painful feelings.  Love really does transform us.

~ pg. 104 ~ There are two signs that tell you when your raw spot or your partners has been hit.  First, there is a sudden radical shift in the conversation… Second, the reaction to a perceived offense often seems way out of proportion.  These signs are all about primal attachment needs and fears suddenly coming on the line.  They are all about our deepest and most powerful emotions suddenly taking over.

~ pg. 111 ~  We want and need our lovers to respond to our hurt.  But they can’t do that if we don’t show it.  To love well requires courage – and trust.

~ pg. 112 ~ When you’re ready to share you’re vulnerability, start slow.  There’s no need to bare your soul. … even just talking about one’s deepest fears and longings with a partner life an enormous burden.

~ pgs. 124-127 ~  De-Escalating Disconnection:

1)  Stopping the Game [Demon Dialogues].

2)  Claiming Your Own Moves.

3)  Claiming Your Own Feelings.

4)  Owning How You Shape Your Partner’s Feelings.

5)  Asking About Your Partner’s Deeper Emotions.

6)  Sharing Your Own Deeper, Softer Emotions.

7)  Standing Together.


Johnson, S.  (2008).  Hold Me Tight:  Seven conversations for a liftetime of love. New York:  Hachette Book Group, Inc.


~ by Eva on September 21, 2009.

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