Random Thoughts of Late

Sometimes my hair poof falls more on the weird-looking side of the continuum, than on whatever the other – better-looking – side is.  I like how it looks today though.

Flipped through Redbook briefly the other day and ran across and interview with an actress (who other people would probably know; I didn’t); I really liked the following two answers she gave:

What are the benefits of meeting someone great in your 40s, as opposed to your 20s or 30s? I’ve had one, maybe two really good relationships that for whatever reason didn’t work out. I’ve dated people who I thought were going to be a big deal in my life, and I’ve also spent long periods by myself. While I very much wanted to be in a relationship, I didn’t want to be in the wrong one.

*I liked this answer for the phrase, “I’ve also spent long periods by myself.”  I trained myself since high school to think of singleness as an end all, be all kind of thing.  But I kind of like the thought of sometimes being in good relationships and sometimes “spending long periods by myself.”  That’s so much less hardcore than making peace with singleness because I think I’ll never be in a relationship at all, ever.  There’s also something to be said for not wanting to be in a “wrong” relationship.  And I’ll just say, I think I’ve learned a lot about dating – and as much about myself – with all my flubs.

So you were commitment-phobic? Yeah. But I think I’ve grown up a lot. Now I know the difference between my problem and somebody else’s. It’s also nice to be in this place in my career where the dire need to achieve has shifted, because I’ve had the satisfaction of accomplishing some of my goals. Not all of them — that will never end — but I am proud of the things I’ve done. It takes the edge off work as a main focus and allows space for a more balanced life.

*I liked this answer for – well, the whole thing really – but particularly her comment, “Now I  know the difference between my problem and somebody else’s.”  I’m not there yet; I tend to take all the blame for everything.  But someday… someday… I’ll have a better division of labor, so to speak.  And that’ll lighten my load.

I have no life.  In the last year, I have almost entirely lost all of my hobbies… piano, the news, soccer, actually all sports basically which I’ve always loved, friends (not a hobby, but an activity nonetheless), running (I run SOO much less now that I ever have for the last ten years), reading books, traveling… the list could go on.  At this point right now in my life, all I know is MY JOB.  I haven’t learned, experienced, thought about anything else really for the past year.

I want to adopt a NO-BS Policy in my life.  That would entail saying more often what I want, less often dancing around the honest truth b/c I’m afraid it’ll hurt someone’s feelings, saying “no” more often, and as odd as it sounds, I want to care less about how people feel and more about having an open, honest, genuine relationship with them.  Anything else is really dishonest anyway, if I only ever present the parts of myself that they can deal with.  I want increased integrity, which by that I mean, I want to make my real thoughts be known.  Even when it won’t be liked or easily accepted.  At least there will be an integrity/congruency between my inner thoughts and outer life.

I need to develop an Serenity Prayer for myself that is specific to dating.  haha  I hate it (dating). lol  And don’t even know all the reasons why.  I just let myself get super stressed out about it.  So on the one hand, I like that I’m comfortable by myself.  On the other hand, I could relax a bit about the whole thing and like… I don’t know… *enjoy* it?  That and letting the NO-BS Policy infiltrate how I roll in this area too.

I love reassurance.

Last week my counselor beckoned me to find some silence… peace…  So I turned off my radio in my car about a week ago.  That’s been surprisingly, super nice; my driving is sooo much more relaxing, calm.  However, I’m also pretty sure I talk to myself a lot more than I did a week ago. lol

My best friend is coming to see me this weekend.  So are my parental units.

My nephew has really cute, fat feet.  He’s adorable.  I LOVE IT when he snuggles up on my lap to read books.

~~~~

Serenity Prayer in Dating I

God grant me the serenity

Keep my eyes on You,

The courage to

Be myself

And the wisdom

To know who both are.

~~~~

Serenity Prayer in Dating II

God grant me the

wisdom

To maintain a drama-free life, the

courage

to keep a NO-BS Policy, and the

serenity

that comes thereafter, with having been true to my own integrity.

Serenity Prayer in Dating III

God grant me the serenity to

Laugh

As much as possible, the courage to

Speak

My mind honestly, and the wisdom to know

In what manner to

Hold on.

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~ by Eva on October 6, 2010.

3 Responses to “Random Thoughts of Late”

  1. Just discovered your blog – so this is the first post I have ever read from it 🙂 Fantastic quotes. I can relate to the shifting of goals, and the relax that happens somewhere along the way.

    These kind of thoughts always remind me of the John Lennon quote – “life is what happens while you’re making other plans”…

  2. I belive it is better to share feelings honestly than to stay mum. It is also possible to do it without being “brutally” honest. If you approach the relationship with a healthy dose of humility, it can be a very meaningful and enriching conversation. Relationships can’t develop without the expression of feelings and hashing out of differences and enhancing the other party’s understsanding of what you feel, why you feel, and how they made you feel. I agree, it is possible to over think things (you alluded to that in an earlier blog). I too, fit a lot of the descriptions of the INJwhatever and I realize that not all of them are healthy. Like the one about living an experience in your mind so clearly that the feelings of the “pretend” experience overpower you. If I’m astute enough to recognize it, I realize I must force myself to get up, turn on music and start doing something else or I will be mourning the rest of the day over a pretend experience (usually mine are sad things). I wonder if too much time can be spent trying to fit one’s self into a perfect INJwhatever box, instead of choosing the best of all one’s personality tendencies, and noting (and trying to avoid) those tendencies that aren’t so positive in outcomes. I think even you said once that you have parts of all of them. Self improvement can be the goal. And self-improvement does not mean rejection of true self.

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