Eureka: Why I Hate Dating
So… to any long-time reader, it’s no secret that I don’t enjoy dating. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say I hate it. It totally stresses me out. I become unnatural, over-analytical, and work too hard at it. It is NO FUN. Even when I try to relax, it’s unnatural and forced.
Dating *totally* stresses me out. (Did I already say that?) I become rigid, worrier, Neurotic-girl. Filtered and fake. I stress myself out. Even with guys I really like, I eventually just have to put myself – and the poor guy who is trying to date me! – out of my self-induced stress-state.
So, I brought this issue to my counselor tonight, basically saying…
I don’t like how I date! I’m happier single; I don’t worry near as much. When I’m dating I get myself all in a tizzy that would make even the most self-contained, Zen master-person go absolutely CRAZY.
My counselor then mentioned my first session with him when I said that I’d always thought I was going to meet, date, and marry ONE person. I always thought that. It’s why I waited so long to start dating… because the ONE guy, who had to be freaking perfect (I was unknowingly ridiculous about that) cause I was going to marry him of course, hadn’t come along yet.
Well… again, to any long-time reader, you know that I dated a guy for quite awhile and then we broke up. And quite succinctly, my plan (the only one I’d ever had) went out the freaking perfect WINDOW. I did love him, but it was careful and measured. I never fell in love with him. There was no reckless abandon, no feelings of complete safety and trust.
I’m now supremely glad I didn’t marry him (he’s glad too he didn’t marry me!). We are still friends (if you wanna know) and while I’m happily moved on from all that… I haven’t done a good job AT ALL of adjusting my “plan.”
I STILL date with all the seriousness of a person walking down the stinkin’ AISLE. No wonder I’m a commitment-phobic, given all the pressure I put on myself in dating! No wonder I like being single! No wonder singleness feels like freedom!
The other thing is that – as a true mid-westerner – I know that when something isn’t working, that just means you have to WORK HARDER.
Do I have to say that this definitely does not work in relationships???????? In fact, as my counselor said, the better way to improve a relationship is to let go.
But I’ve never been good at “letting go.” What I can do though, is hold on to something else. And I can hold on to singleness… I know who I am. I know where I’m going. I know what’s important to me. I know what I can do. I know who loves me. I know who I love.
I just don’t know how to date.
My counselor had a good idea. He said, “Why don’t you just stop dating and focus on developing friendships.”
I really like that idea. It’s like I’ve been trying to go straight from Baltic Avenue to Park Place without actually going around the board. It kinda feels like a long way around. And it’s not like I’m going shut down my heart. I think that if I keep skydiving, having fun, and opening myself up to all the possibilities that Life offers – adventuring, laughing, thinking, loving, grieving sometimes too, and living by my own creed – then maybe someday I’ll wake up and realize that somewhere between Free Parking and Marvin Gardens…
I got a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card. I fell in love.
And even if I don’t, you better believe [insert funny Monopoly joke here].
“Sojourn in every place as if you meant to spend your life there,
never omitting an opportunity of doing a kindness, speaking a true word,
or making a friend.” ~J. Ruskin
I liked this article… “Marriage is Easy”