Resilience & Clean Pain
“We are not as fragile as we think.”
“Resilience is built into our nature… The need to self-regulate is so strong that infants will do it at the expense of connection.”
“Being out of synch is normal. Being out of synch with your partner and maintaining yourself is just as normal as synchrony. Both are necessary for healthy interaction. Knowing this often changes your feelings about gridlock, being out of phase with your partner, time apart, and having to self-soothe… Just because you don’t have what you want doesn’t mean something is wrong.”
“Time out of synch with your partner is neither traumatic nor wasted – unless you insist on it. Time out of synch is not only not negative, it’s positive; it’s a functional, purposeful, part of the process: it helps infants and spouses reorganize themselves so they can sustain the overall interaction.”
“Clean pain comes from moving forward from an accurate self-picture, accepting what has been, is, and will be… Dirty pain comes from defending, denying, or deflecting, to keep from seeing or doing something. The dirty feeling comes from dodging yourself… Clean pain is different: there’s no shame and less anxiety in the hurting. You stop struggling and relax. It is the healing pain of accepting the reality of your life and embarking on effective assessment, planning, and implementation. It’s hard to soothe clean pain. It’s almost impossible to sooth dirty pain.”
*All above quotes are from David Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage.