How I Move
Random thinking of late…..
I’m newly interested in the game of poker and its surrounding culture.
I would like to get good at Gin.
I’m smart about people.
I get anxious about people-related things sometimes.
Self regulating my emotions is difficult when centipedes are involved (which has been three times lately).
Work very stressful and time-consuming lately. I find myself thinking a lot, “I just can’t do it.”
Mostly, I’m working full days, starting at 7am or earlier and ending around 4 or 5pm; then I go back to work (or anywhere with internet) for another couple-few hours in the evening. That’s how it’s been lately.
My internet is still not working. I’m sure I could just make a phone call and get it figured out, but I kinda like not having internet (except that I have to leave to do work, even things that would only take a few minutes). I’m reading more books and listening to more music, and am generally satisfied with spending less time on the internet (sorry, it also means less blogging). I’m feeling more wholesome.
I still worry that I’m going to get addicted to something. That “thing” always changes, always something different. Not a terribly well-founded worry.
Sometimes I worry (not about getting addicted to something, just other things) very intensely; then I can kinda resolve it and I feel very comfortable in my skin/life, and feel like I can handle just about anything. Because I return to a belief that I am Good. Open-hearted. Imperfect, loving, and lovable. Only, I am my own worst enemy. When I can survive myself, I feel invincible.
I’ve recently been thinking that chess can be a good analogy for relationships. And even the lack of a move, is a move, and requires interpretation for the purpose of adjusting your own game/how you play/etc.
I try to always move my “pieces” in ways congruent with the things that matter to me… that I can love. That, that is a good thing. And that everyone deserves it (not necessarily permanently, but certainly my effort toward it for a time). And that I can recover a feeling of whole-ness, even when I move my chess pieces with genuine, caring intent, and another person does not.
Other people who also move their pieces like I do (with genuine, caring intentions toward/for me), are very valuable treasures and should be treated as such all the time. Those are the people with whom, you can let your guard down and feel safe, even when you are unprotected.
It’s good to always find purpose in things. You can make it up and it’s still good. Growth can be intentional.