Freedom

Just wanted to try to write down a timeline of the tiny steps I took over the past 10-12 years in order end up in a place to finally be relieved of disordered living, i.e. obsessed about weight.  I used to use the analogy in my head that I felt like I was on a treadmill, sprinting, and as hard as I was trying I couldn’t get off.  The steps below document my slow down.  Establishing each of these steps into patterns felt to me like submitting a mountain.  Each time, I felt like I had finally “arrived.”  Each time I felt another tiny bit more relief.

(I only remember the things that made the most impact.)

2004 (Spring) – repeated the thought, “It’s okay” every time I felt self-conscious and/or self-hate (I really just hated my body, but at the time I could not differentiate between me and my body).  I thought about my dad when it got really bad and that always helped/helps.

2009 (May) – started going for a walk first thing in the morning, instead of eating right away.  By “eating” I mean, over-eating.  Result:  a little tiny moment each that I liked myself and didn’t have to run for it.

2009 (Summer/Fall) –  Stopped depriving myself of what I really wanted. Instead, I put focus on deciding what I really wanted to eat and then eating that. Result:  began long, slow process of eliminating shame about food.

2010 – Began eating sitting down, with the lights on, never when watching TV, only keeping food around I felt good about eating (still never put any food “off limits”, just made it further out of reach), always dividing stuff into portions; generally, paying more attention to my food and enjoying it.

2012 – embraced the concept of budgeting for food.  (For example:  eating a little healthier or a little less at the next meal after a meal when I didn’t eat quite so healthy or just ate too much.  Or “saving up” for a special treat.)  Result: began eliminating over-eating.

2013 – stopped weighing myself!  Only took me 9 years to truly stop.  I had tried before, but then my weight would spike, so I’d go back to weighing myself.  It was the “perfect” tool to shaming myself into excessive running.  Good riddance.  Result: so much less time spent thinking about weight!

2014 – stopped eating sweets, except when I really wanted to, and then would eat with protein (without guilt).  Then… I stopped craving sweets.  And in turn, had a significantly easier time eating just wanted I need and truly enjoyed.

2015 – went grain-free.  No cravings.  No self-hate.  Result:  freedom.

Banana Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

Made these yesterday.  Recipe courtesy of Bethenny Frankel…

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups oat flour

3/4 cup rolled oats

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup raw sugar

1/3 cup chocolate chips

1 teaspoon canola oil

1/3 cup soymilk

1/2 cup banana puree (1 medium-size banana)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

1)  Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.  Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl.  Combine all the wet ingredients in a separate bowl.  Mix the dry and wet ingredients together, until well combined.

2)  Use a medium-size ice cream scoop or a large spoon to scoop batter onto a cookie sheet covered with wax paper.  Bake for 12 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through cooking, or bake until the edges of the cookies are light brown.

Makes 12 cookies.

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